A tale of two times.

Confession time. If you have read my postings and think that this comes easily to me, that documenting these moments is effortless for me then you may wish to revise your opinion.

I will let you in on a secret: at best, writing this page is a challenge. At worst, at those most taxing times, it can be a gut-wrenching and energy-sapping journey through the emotional wringer - because when you choose to write from personal experience, you are left with no choice but to revisit those times, search them and scour them for detail. The depth with which you revisit these experiences and instances is irrevocably linked to the intensity with which you are able resurrect them, convey them. And that is where I come unstuck again - because I do not want you to merely read these postings of mine; I want you to feel them, live them. I want to place you at the epicentre of the instant and have you feel the tremors under your feet. Where there are highs, I want you to be able to raise your head and see them blazing in the sky above you - and where there are lows, I want you to feel them as the cold and bitter weight that settles in the pit of your stomach.

But above all, I want you to understand and enjoy - because without understanding, this becomes nothing more than a collection of verbose essays constructed from cumbersome sentences that wind on forever, looping over upon themselves until the words do nothing but swim across the page. My hope is that understanding can prevent this; can crystallise these tales and transform these recollections into something more. My hope is that the recalled moments of contentment, of love, of acceptance will be sufficient when added to the mix; that they will be enough to purify the darker and more pervasive stain of grief, of loss, of regret. My hope is that the end result will combine to produce something I can be proud of, revisit years from now and remember fondly. My hope is that I can look at this, that you can look at this; see not a dishevelled grouping of rusted parts and tarnished cogs but a clean and finished product, a shining and glittering whole.

And without enjoyment? Quite simply, I am here alone.

That I am not here alone - that so many of you drop in and keep me company is something I value intensely. When I am feeling tired, flat or lacklustre, I take great comfort in returning the courtesy; dropping by and read your own words. This is as cathartic as it is entertaining as it is inspiring - and I wanted to find a way to express my gratitude; to thank you for giving my home that lived-in feel and for opening your own doors and welcoming me with such warmth, such regularity.

To that end, I have created this, the Feels Like Home award.



There is only one rule for handing this out, passing it on - and I have tried to keep it simple:

Pick five people who make you feel welcome; who make this strange virtual world of ours feel more comfortable, habitable - and then pass them this award as a token of your gratitude, a thank-you gift.

That is as complicated as it gets. If you choose to go into detail as to why those people are receiving the award, so be it. If you choose to hand it out with a simple thank-you, so be it. As simple and straightforward as is possible, I hope.

So without further delay, it is time to launch this award; to push it out into the ether and see how it fares, see where the tides carry it. For now, this time out out on its maiden voyage, I would like to pass this award to:

JennyMac at Let's Have A Cocktail
Nancy at f8hasit
JenJen at Jen's Voices
Dan at Vacant Mind
Indigo at IndigoWrath

This entry has left me feeling highly fortunate and highly conflicted all at once, as it was exceptionally difficult to select a mere five people to receive this new award. My comments, my followers box; both are packed full of worthy recipients - easily enough to hand this award out tenfold. Sadly the one rule that comes with this award is not open to misinterpretation and there can only be five recipients. I wish I could employ the standard 'I don't make the rules' excuse, but unfortunately it appears that I do make the rules, this time around at least. So with that in mind, all I can say is a huge and heartfelt thank you to everybody who stops by, who reads, who comments or bookmarks my page. I am honoured to have such an exquisite group of people with whom to share my times.